Dec 1: Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The reception was brilliant.
Dec 2: Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Because the paracetemol.
Dec 3: I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Dec 4: Two men are in a pub in Leith. The one with a piece of tarmac in his hand said Let’s have one for the road.
Dec 5: Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”
Dec 6: A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
Dec 7: What do you call a singing computer? A Dell.
Dec 8: I’m in a restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”
Dec 9: Conjunctivitis.com ..now there’s a site for sore eyes!
Dec 10: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Dec 11: Concerns rise for wellbeing levels after the latest survey shows only one out of seven dwarfs is happy.
Dec 12: “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.
Dec 13: I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”
Dec 14: I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.
Dec 15: A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Dec 16: “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
Dec 17: A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Dec 18: A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Dec 19: Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Dec 20: A burglar broke into a house and stole biscuits, chocolates, nuts, sweets and a packet of crisps. Police say the culprit was a snack head.
Dec 21: A man called at my house and offered me a settee and two easy chairs. I refused them of course because my parents always told me never to accept suites from strangers.
Dec 22: All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Dec 23: What’s is Santa’s favourite pizza? The one that’s Deep Pan, Crisp and Even!!
Dec 24: Advent Calendars. Their days are numbered.
Dec 25: My favourite, The Balloon Joke – click here to hear me tell it live!